I hate having this huge responsibility of doing myself, the college, and “The Craft” justice in every plate I have to submit. Each time I fail, I fail anyone who has ever expected any good work from me. This is what makes my college work so different from high school work, or work on general ed subjects. There’s this feeling that each plate you submit really matters, probably because most of these plates do. They reflect your skills as an artist, something I’ve come to identify with as much as identify with being a human being.
It’s easy to shrug off getting low marks on a math test, for example, because who ever said I was good at math? I don’t need trigonometry. I don’t love geometry. The problem is, I do love creating art. Oftentimes, I treat my majors as if they were as irrelevant inconsequential as other subjects, but each time I turn in work that looks like a ten year old baboon with a paintbrush for a big toe could have done, it hurts my pride. Oh, and that thing you heard about artists and their pride? So true. For me, at least, a compliment is not something I fling around like cuss words or racial slurs or in-depth discussions on the male organ. Each “That’s awesome” that I hand out comes with a friendly yet burning desire to outmatch another’s work.
But I love being in the presence of fellow students who have the same kind of, dare I say, passion for art. Actually, just a passion for anything! I often bitch at business students or med students, but honestly, if you were studying medicine and as long as you had a passion for anything, you’re fine in my book (not that anyone needs me approval). Unfortunately, despite what you would expect from one of the best art schools in the Philippines (a self-proclaimed title) I encounter very few who seem like they even give a shit about art. What are you doing wasting your time in UP CFA if you’re just there because you didn’t need high grades to pass or because your parents wanted you to pick up their business or because you just thought playing with your little Wacom or DSLR was fun? It’s not about your skill or your medium or your inspirations, I’m just looking for people who aspire to be something better, something great.
As much as I glorify having that drive to improve, it’s both a curse and a blessing, and rather useless if you don’t act upon it. I want to get better. I often feel like freakin’ Ash Ketchum when I think about what I want to achieve. Unlike Ash, I don’t wake up late due to sleep-pokeball-throwing-related accidents. I oversleep like a boss, I slack off like a boss, but I improve like an employee. It’s depressing. I’ve gotten lazy. I’ve got the desire but not the willpower to get off my ass and work on improving.
I’m really just rambling now. Letting out some pent up frustration with a lot of the people I encounter at school (Who hopefully do not take the time to try and look for this blog). A while ago, I might have been ranting about CSB, but I’ve got to say, a lot of the friends I made and people I met in that school (despite all of its bad and mostly undeserved rep) were actually a lot more dedicated and passionate about art than people in UP CFA.
tl;dr - I hate not creating art at the maximum quality I can achieve, and I hate people for adding stupid, useless, people-clutter in my school. I am angry and will probably lose many more friends because I tumblr too openly.
